where are you? what did you end up deciding about
life, dreams, everything?
I had to laugh when I got this email from a good friend from the early Watson days in Geneva. What have I decided about life, dreams, everything? I’ve had a year to think, and today marks the last day of my Watson. As of 10 pm tonight, I’ll say goodbye to Rio and to the Watson life–and as hard as it is for me to imagine being anywhere but Brasil right now, I know that reality is lurking just a short plane ride away.
If there’s one lesson I’ve learned this year, it’s been about maintaining a bit of perspective- about life, about my dreams, about my accomplishments and failures… and mostly, about accepting and embracing the uncertainty of where the days and years ahead are going to take me, and taking steps with sureness and certainty as best as I can. I realize that it was a lot to expect from this year, but I think that at some point I had unfairly thought that I would find answers for all of the questions I’ve had for my future. Despite a year of introspection and exploration, (obviously) there are many unanswered questions still swirling in my mind, and a fair share of doubts as well. I have to admit that at first I felt a bit of panic as I watched the end of the year approaching….but as the Watson year winds down, I feel like I may have found the answer that I needed most.
I began this year hoping to map out my future, to find my inspiration and motivation–who I want to be and where and how and all. At the end of 3 months in Geneva, though, I realized that my biggest fear was cutting off my options for the future, of tying myself down to one place at a high cost for the next four year; my greatest fear became about losing my freedom. As I’ve moved through this year (and especially through the hair-raising traffic in India), though, finding new mentors and ”dream lives” along the way, I think I’ve realized that no matter what I want and my worrying over finding the perfect path to my future or losing my freedom, there’s only so much of my life that I can control to begin with. The decisions I am and will be making for the next few years are important ones, but I’m realizing how much they are simply a framework for my life, not the actual substance of my world. I don’t have to set everything up perfectly–I just need to set up this structure and then let life and my experiences take me from here. In short, I’m letting go a little, to preserve my freedom, to let myself fill in the blanks as the opportunities come along….I’m more certain that ever that I’ll find my happiness better that way than I ever would on an all out mission!
And so…..I guess what I’ve decided about life, my dreams and everything is that I can’t keep thinking about them…I just need to live them and learn my lessons that way. As much as I’ve adored this year and have been really struggling with the idea of letting go of it, I know that this is where I need to be going right now, towards reality and, oddly enough, home.
(ha…and if all else fails, well, my ticket home is a return ticket to Brasil since it was cheaper :P….)
Thank you to all you who helped me through my Watson: those of you who have served as psychotherapists and guidance counsellors on the road and via email, as tour guides, friends, hosts, neighbors, surrogate parents and siblings, mentors, teachers, patients, benefactors, and, above all, as inspiration. If there’s one thing I’ve done a lot of this year, it’s been asking question. Your lives and words have provided me with so many answers this year, and as I’ve continued to come up with new questions (or am still asking some of the old ones!) I am certain that they’ll find a role in my decisions in the years to come… :-).
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